Category Archives: Social

The Long-Term Implications of Spanking

boy in white shirt and black track pantsPhoto by Pixabay on Pexels.com

For decades, spanking (also known as physical discipline or corporal punishment) has been used and thought of as an effective way to discipline children.

Parents, teachers, ministers, coaches, babysitters, and others have used force to keep kids in line, as punishment for misdeeds or to “teach them a lesson.” Sometimes, young children – even babies and toddlers – are spanked, hit and slapped.

Why resort to violence?

Generally, common sense or one’s own inner voice tells us that any type of physical force or violence is not appropriate or helpful in child-rearing. Yet, anyone who’s a parent (or teacher or babysitter or grandparent) knows that it is very easy to lose one’s patience and lash out at a child who is acting out, causing frustration in the home or classroom, not listening or talking back.

Last week, I received a press release stating that the American Psychological Association has adopted a resolution on physical discipline of children by parents. The findings won’t surprise you: Overall, the APA has amalgamated several studies showing that, over the long-term, spanking and other forms of physical discipline can:

  • cause harm to children’s mental health
  • negatively affect their cognitive, behavioral, social and emotional well-being
  • cause children to mimic their parents’ behavior and repeat the same patterns later in life

Most parents would never want to physically or emotionally harm their child and only use force out of aggravation or frustration. But, understanding the toll that physical violence takes on children is paramount to successful parenting.

Where to get help and guidance:

As we all know too well, parenting is one of the toughest jobs in the world. We need all the help we can get whether that’s from fellow parents, teachers, friends, neighbours, community resources, books, pastors or others. 

Personally, I think parents could use further free resources on parenting at different stages i.e. baby, toddler, elementary, teen, young adult, etc. There is so much to learn and grasp and so many questions popping up. Yes, there are various parenting programs available (especially in major centres) but perhaps a government run system of parenting workshops over time would be helpful both in the short and long-term.

Please see the short list at bottom of immediate helpful resources. A more fulsome list is coming soon.

Before I go… Let’s not forget the upside of mental health:

“Mental health” doesn’t have to be a downer or a negative thing. There are so many intriguing, fascinating, useful phenomena around mental health, illness and wellness.

For instance, one of my kids is in a new, progressive high school. Many of the teachers there use what is known as a “growth mindset.” I’ve heard about this philosophy recently in regards to adults and learning development. So, for a positive bent, I plan on writing in an upcoming post about understanding and taking on a “growth mindset.”

As always, feel free to like, follow, comment or contact me, any time.

Lisa

Helpful links & resources:

Grateful or Hateful?

affection appreciation decoration design

Photo by Carl Attard on Pexels.com

I am working on an in-depth post about new guidelines issued from the American Psychological Association regarding physical discipline i.e. spanking and children.

For now, I wanted to post something that’s less research-intensive. I’ve been thinking about kids & gratitude. Lately, as a parent, I vacillate on how much to push my children to say “thank-you” to me and to others.

Firstly, I’m big on people (all people, not just kids or my own kids) saying “please” and “thank-you” or “no, thank-you.” To me, it’s the least one can do if someone is offering you something or gives you a gift or a compliment. I usually cringe when someone neglects to say thank-you after dinner has been made or a gift given or someone goes out of their way to do something nice.

However, similar to recent expert advice provided on kids & hugging, I am wondering if children should be forced to say thank-you by parents, relatives or teachers. Obviously, saying something verbally isn’t as intensive or invasive as having to hug or kiss a relative or friend but, perhaps pushing children to say something that’s not natural to them, isn’t right either.

Or, have we all become too politically-correct? Isn’t is a parent’s job to teach their kids right from wrong as well as manners and socially acceptable behavior? Usually, I’m steadfast in my thoughts about such things but, as mentioned above, I’m struggling with this lately.

What are your thoughts? Do you “force” your child to say thank-you or write a thank-you card when given a gift or cash? Did that change as they got older? I’d love to hear your thoughts on the matter.

Yours gratefully,

Lisa

When Children Are Hoarders

This post contains affiliate links which means if you buy the item mentioned here I may receive a commission at no extra cost to you.

With TV shows like Hoarders still popular and everyone and their dog posting about how they KonMari’d” their kitchen, bathroom or office space, it’s no wonder that clutter (or lack thereof) is a constant source of conversation and consternation.

In the past, I’ve blogged about children & hoarding. One post is by guest blogger and professional organizer, Janine Adams and another is a round-up on the topic. I’ve also written articles about clutter and the art of cleaning up for Esperanza magazine.

For those who aren’t familiar with this phenomenon: According to a University of Florida study by Eric A. Storch et al, “Compulsive hoarding is characterized by the accumulation of useless items, associated clutter, and difficulty discarding hoarded items, which together cause interference in functioning (Frost & Hartl, 1996).”

That’s no surprise. But, according to this study, there might be differences between adults and kids who hoard, namely: clutter may be limited to a smaller area (e.g., the child’s bedroom) and the nature of the hoarded items is more constrained because of limited resources of children.

Interestingly childhood hoarding may also be associated with the following conditions:

  • Prader-Willi Syndrome
  • Anorexia Nervosa
  • Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)
  • Autism
  • Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

Do you or your child deal with clutter in bedrooms, cars or homes or, conversely, do you feel you need things to be constantly clean and tidy?

If you do have hoarding tendencies, don’t despair – there are treatments for both adults and children, including resources like the Centre for Mental Health & Addiction (Canada). If you wish, feel free to comment here or contact me. I’d love to hear from you.

Lisa

 

Stay Out of It!

unnamed (1)Since both of my children’s birthdays are coming up soon, I’ve been reflecting and feeling melancholy, thinking about their younger days and some of the lessons I’ve learned. 

When my son was younger, say 6 or 7 years old, like many moms, I’d set up or help facilitate play dates for him and my daughter. If anything went wrong, say an argument between the boys or teasing that went haywire, I’d often step in – not as a grumpy “hey, my child is perfect” tiger mom but just to see what had happened and if there was any good solution. Of course I did this with the best of intentions.

I soon learned (with the help of some shy advice from a neighbour) that stepping into your kids’ social life is generally a no-no. Almost always, my seemingly innocent intervention would cause more stress or headaches for my son and his friends.

So, now, unless it’s a really big deal, I try to stay out of it. Yes, it’s hard sometimes and, as he and my daughter grow, there will be times that their father or I will have to get involved. But, I think it’s helped that I can provide advice and support but not march in to “save the day” (which didn’t really work anyway).

What’s your take on getting involved with your child’s social life?

Because of your son…

This post on Facebook made my eyes fill with tears.

Parties can be hard. Even when you’re popular. They’re especially hard when you’re unpopular, different or shunned in some way.

The compassion of including a boy with autism to a child’s birthday party (and going so far as to make alternate arrangements to make sure he’s comfortable) certainly made this mom’s whole day – possibly her whole year.

While it’s easy to dismiss kids who may be hard to handle, disruptive or shy, please encourage your child to invite “outsiders” to parties and playdates. This simple effort can make a world of difference to another human being.

Perfect Teeth

perfectionMy son was just telling me he has “the worst teeth ever”. This is far from the truth – his teeth are only slightly crooked and will look fantastic once he gets braces put on in the next year or two.

I told him if he had perfect teeth he’d be too perfect as he’s already very handsome. I said this partly to boost his self-esteem but mostly because I believe it to be true: If someone looks or acts too perfect they don’t seem real to me. I have known people over the years who never seem to be in a bad mood and are always smiling or want to see the silver lining in every situation. While I appreciate this attitude for the most part, it can get tiresome. Someone who’s never down or feels guilty or grouchy is suspicious to me – what’s under the shiny coating?! It’s our human nature to exhibit a range of emotions.

How do you feel about looking on the bright side of life? Do you try to find the realism in all situations with your children and/or the young people in your life? How do you balance our quest for perfection with life’s hard knocks? I’m still trying to figure this out myself.

White Knuckle Parenting

Walking up the hill Kortright CentreToday was my kids’ last day of school. While I scratched my head in astonishment that yet another school year had passed us by, I also realized I had to give out the teacher gifts we had purchased and arrange other end of year activities – stat.

Excited to wait at the school door when they exited for the last time this year, the sky boomed with thunder and rain just as I jumped in the car  to pick ’em up (I’m too far to walk to the school). Other parents and grandparents stood by with raincoats and umbrellas trying to say good-bye as we all huddled against the rain.

Both my children are suffering from colds but I thought we should mark this epic occasion in some way so I offered to take them for frozen yogurt. We inched our way through rainy slick traffic only to find the local fro yo shop PACKED full of kids and parents. Sigh… back into the car we went.

We arrived home, the kids dumped their bags, lunch packs, locker paraphernalia and shoes at the front door. We walked up the steps and what do we find? A big pile of cat vomit. Could this day get any better?!

I’m happy to say we turned it around. After a “surprise” dinner (hot dog mushroom bean tomato stew on garlic bread) we tried to rush my son to his baseball game (which was of course cancelled due to the rain). My daughter and I then walked to the LCBO to pick up a bottle of wine for my neighbour who was throwing herself a birthday party. We stopped in, wished her a happy birthday, said hi to neighbours new and old and now we’re home, along with a calm sky.

I hope your kids’ last of day of school is less epic.  Happy summer!

Vapid

city

Her smile is as plastic as her shoes.

She looks at me with vacant eyes.

“Want some gum?” She says with creamy teeth and pink pearl lips.

When she talks her eyes never settle on mine.

“What’s new?” She says, uninterested.

The sun glints on her white-yellow hair bringing out hints of the dark brown underneath.

“Gotta go.” She gets up and tugs on her skirt, giving me a half-smile as she walks away, checking her phone.

Father’s Day Blues

fathers-day-300x300If you’re in North America, you’ll know today is Father’s Day.

While this is a joyous occasion for many families, there are others for whom Father’s Day brings grief, indifference or painful memories.

Stemming from a quick peek at Facebook today, I see that many are happy (me included) to reflect heartfelt wishes to fathers who are present and also tender words for those fathers who are no longer around – both literally and figuratively.

For children living with divorce, adoption, death or who are estranged from their dads, occasions like this spark sadness. Many will be spend today celebrating or reflecting on good times with loving fathers yet many others will reflect on “what could have been” or “what should be.”

What does Father’s Day mean to you?

The Waiting Game

waitlistI’m sad to say I missed a day of blogging yesterday. Dock me ten points during the blogathon. ):

Ironically, I missed posting because I was attending a parent advisory board meeting for a mental health organization and passed out cold when I got home around 9 pm. This was the first meeting of a newly configured board of (mostly) women whose families are affected by mental health challenges.

One issue that always comes up when talking about mental health intervention is waiting lists. The waiting list is the torturous reality that most, if not all, parents and children face after contacting a government-run mental health care agency.

Rarely will a child be seen right away. If there’s a real crisis (and we joked last night about the clinician’s version of crisis versus the family’s version), families can head to their nearest ER and be seen within a few hours.

However, most families require short or long-term counselling and programs for their child in addition any crisis intervention.Because waiting lists are so long (many people wait 1o months or more before their first appointment), frustration, sadness and stress ensues.

What can be done? I’ll be posting more about Ontario’s changing mental health strategy (of which I have some insight) in the coming months. The Children’s Hospital of Eastern Ontario (CHEO) also has a decent list of ideas for children and families currently on waiting lists, including:

  • Checking in frequently with your family doctor
  • Putting your child or youth onto other lists for services in your community/city
  • Taking advantage of any employee insurance or private services (which can often happen within days) available
  • Spending good quality time with your child
  • Getting enough rest and having fun with the whole family in order to reduce stress

We have a long, long way to go before lists can be cut down to more reasonable wait times. Parents and kids with mental health challenges have enough on their plates and sitting on a waiting list for months at a time does nothing to counteract that frustration.